Eric G. Wiley

Every once in a while you come across an insane woman where a side effect to her illness is that she sexually teases every man she comes across. They usually turn up at bars or as coworkers in high-turnover jobs. It is, of course, a sad sight that ultimately repels most conscientious men.

Last night I was flipping channels as a pre-sleep exercise and noticed something. Every local news station attempted to tease me heavily with promises of juicy weather information right after the commercial break.

They all had a similar framework: News anchor pimped up the fact that is was a blessedly gorgeous weekend, then passed it off to the weather person who feigned the beginnings of the weather report for the week. "You liked that weekend, didn't you? You want some more of that? You'll just have to give me some work for what you want. Watch these commercials and maybe when they're over I'll tell you it's gonna' be a sunny day tomorrow."

The first two "teases" I flipped onto were the catalysts for me to continue flipping because I hate inane attempts at manipulation. The third tease I stumbled upon gave me all the motivation I needed to move my thumb to the "Power Off" button and go to bed.

This modular tease technique has been used by newscasts for decades. It used to be annoying, but effective, because viewers had nowhere else to get their information. Now it is just annoying. We don't need to waste our time waiting for you to get onto the bar and show us your weather tits, Ms. Insane Local TV News. Thank you very much, but your overt gyrations and suggestive smiles only serve to clear us out of the room.

Why don't you go home and get yourself cleaned up, Ms. Local News? You've been off your medication for a decade or so now. Back when you still had your looks and there were less sources of entertainment in town you could get away with those antics. But now...well I hate to say it but now your attractiveness has faded and the fact that you haven't changed your moves to compensate is just sad.

Maybe you'll get better. When you do, please come back and join us for some fun. You know where you can find us - we'll be right here hanging out with Ms. Internet, Ms. Cable and all their gorgeous friends.